Conviction and Humility

I am in the midst of a great book by Rob Bell, What We Talk About When We Talk About God. Bell is trying to explain how some pieces of modern day Christianity have become obsolete, in particular, Bell tries to explain how we have confined the definition of God and in response to this he does a great job of explaining the vastness of God. Bell made a fascinating point about God that has really come clear to me in Haiti. Bell contents that that a person of conviction can also be a person of humility. On the surface this seems like a difficult position to take. If I am a person of conviction, if I have a certain code I adhere to strictly, than how can I have humility, how can I acknowledge the flaws in my beliefs? Doesn’t acknowledging the holes in my beliefs undermine my conviction? Before I came to Haiti I would have thought that this was the case, I would have assumed that once a person researches a certain point of view long enough, he or she could reach a place of absolute certainty. He or she would have answered all of the questions out there on the subject and would have been able to assert a position with absolute certainty. Coming to Haiti though, trying to implement these different development initiatives, has shown me that conviction not only co-exists peacefully with humility, but the two complement each other quite well

Every evening I go up to the roof and ask myself “What can I do to help that farmer, what can I do to make the small rural farmer better off?”. The vocational school will help the next generation, but it would do little for the older generation of Haitians, the Haitian parents working so hard to put their kids through school. Last fall this was when I realized that the goat project would be something that could be very helpful for the Haitians. When I started to develop the project, when I started to move from an idea on the roof to an actual plan, I had to ask a bunch of questions. I had to talk with Edvens and Pastor Pierre and the other Haitians at the mission about the certain consequences of giving people animals, and the incentives this would create and the problems it would solve. I had to understand the importance of certain provisions of the project. I had to gain a better “Haitian state of mind”, and see the project through the eyes of the recipients who would be enjoying the benefits of the animals. This intensive questioning process was not easy. Not only did I have to work hard to investigate the best way of doing everything, but I had to set aside my own ego. I had to admit that my knowledge was limited. This process is still going on in a very serious way. When I was preparing to go back last week and raise money for more goats and cows, I had to question everything I had already done. I decided to cut pigs from the program and only offer cows and goats.

This intensive questioning and evaluation process had two consequences. Not only did it force me to set aside my own ego, but it also allowed me to get lost in the project. I was able to learn so much about the culture in La Croix and how important these animals are. I was able to learn about the needs of the people here. I came out of this process having a much greater knowledge of the community around me as well as a much greater appreciation for the culture in La Croix. This intensive questioning process gave me a kind of conditional certainty, it gave me a sense that I knew I was doing something worth while, but I was still open to acknowledging the flaws of the program. By questioning I learned so much more about this program and developed a passion for it. The questioning fueled my passion which in turn fueled my convictions about the project. I understand my own limitations and I understand that the project isn’t perfect, but I also understand the importance of these goats, and I appreciate how they help the La Croix community.

Christianity at heart is a very comforting religion, but it presents us with paradoxes that are very difficult to understand. In What We Talk About When We Talk About God Rob Bell’s book identifies many of these paradoxes and begins to explain them. They can only be explained so much though, because many of these life lessons have can’t be taught, but have to be learned. They have to be experienced, they have to make us feel uncomfortable and only then can they really reshape us.